4/27/11
So I spent much of last weekend at a wake and funeral. And as tough as they are, they represent a unique opportunity to reconnect with old acquaintances, engage in conversation without the incessant interruptions of the day (and by that I mean cell phones and blackberrys), meet new and great people who you unknowingly shared a connection with, and even to observe some things that may be profound and cause an epiphany. I can tell you, I experienced all of these things through the course of these services, and I’d like to spend a moment telling you about something I observed that has had a profound affect on me. In fact – so much so, that it has taken me a few days to reflect before writing about it.
It was during one of the “gap” periods between the funeral home; church; cemetery that I walked near two young girls talking with each other. I don’t know what they were discussing but the younger one (about 8 or 9) said to the older one (about 14 or 15): “This is America. You don’t have to keep your promises”. (Sound of brakes squealing; glass breaking; submarines diving) What!!?? Well….having reflected upon it – and notwithstanding my initial reaction of “no, that’s not right and that can’t be” – it definitely falls into the category of “out of the mouths of babes”. I think she nailed it.
And it really goes beyond promises. The extreme disregard for promises made is really a manifestation of a lack of integrity and a desire to say what is expedient in order to avoid conflict or disappointment. Viewed this way – it actually makes broken “big” promises more understandable than broken “little” promises. Let’s consider a big one - the promise of marriage. In most cases, it is made with all the best will in the world. And in most cases, the parties to that promise make herculean efforts to keep it. Regrettably, and in many cases, over the course of time (a lot of time usually), the promise can’t withstand the realities, and changes, of life.
Now let’s consider a little promise (and by the way – what may be “little” to the giver of the promise could be “big” to the receiver): will you fill in the blank? (come to my party; meet me for dinner; come visit me; help me move; the list goes on and on). These are not lifelong promises – this is about keeping your word; this is about being reliable – and in a relatively short term context. Now let’s admit it – you know people who make a promise like this knowing full well they won’t keep it. Or at best, knowing full well that if the slightest hiccup or barrier comes along, they’ll just send their regrets. Do you do that? Have you done that?
I remember one of the first times I witnessed this disregard for a promise while working in Unilever. I was in a business unit that was generally known to be up for sale. We needed a talented financial executive, but given that there was much uncertainty because of the potential sale – the financial executive asked for and was given (verbally – and I was there) a promise of a job should the company be sold. About 18 months later, when the deal was indeed done, the very senior leader in charge backpedalled and said: “We didn’t commit to give him the job. We committed to him that he would be a candidate for the job”. In the end, it all worked out – but I can tell you, that utter disregard for a promise made, at such a high level in the organization, contributed significantly to my decision to leave Unilever.
And there is something else that needs to be said here. I don’t think this is an American problem – I think it is a problem of modern society. Gone are the days when your word was your bond and a handshake meant you could take it to the bank. These are now the days of wordsmith-ing and spinning and double speak ambiguities (I think the most infamous being – “I did not have sexual relations with that woman”). And you know what – I, for one, don’t like it. I don’t like experiencing it, and I like it even less when I catch myself doing it (and over the past few days of reflection – I have found examples of that). So – let’s get back to those days when a promise was a promise, when we did what we said we were going to do, and we were all more reliable. And let’s be mindful of what we are teaching our children through our flagrant disregard for our own commitments.
You know, I didn’t know Dorothy all that well. I am very close with the people who were very close with her. But I did know her well enough to know that she said what she meant, and she meant what she said. I know that, no matter what, she was someone whom you could rely upon. And so, for me, it was also the unfortunate death of a person who was part of a dying breed.
(see “A Million and One Ways to be One-in-a-Million”; Chapter 2 – The Gift and Chapter 4 – The Art of Surprise)
